Let me tell you a story of a sixth grade girl. Rachel was raised in a middle class home in a fairly stable environment. She has a best friend, Pam. They do everything together and are very popular in their small catholic school class. One day, Pam informs Rachel she no longer wishes to be friends. Rachel is devastated and has no idea what she has done to make her friend dislike her.

She becomes alienated from the class as the other children go along with Pam and choose to not be friends with her. She goes to school every day, is taunted and teased, until one day when her mother discovers the problem and speaks to the principal. The problem is resolved and Pam is told by the principal to be nice. The rest of the class follows her lead and on the surface, amends are made and the children resume normal activities except, the girls are no longer “best friends”. The next year, Pam goes to another school.

So what’s the problem? In the back of her mind and in her heart, Rachel believes she must have done something wrong or maybe she is “not good enough”. A small wound has been created. She thinks to herself, maybe she is not “cool” like the other kids, maybe she is not “pretty”, or maybe she does not “wear the right clothes”.

In 9th grade, she meets her first boyfriend. Thrilled to finally have one, things go well until his friends decide he should not date her. He in turn breaks up with her and she again wonders what she has done wrong. The wound has grown a little larger.

As Rachel grows and matures, the wound remains and in any situation where she is rejected, it grows. Rachel lives with fear and insecurity, thriving for perfection in hopes if she obtains it, she will no longer have to feel the pain of her wound. The reality is, many people have wounds from their past that grow over time and through life’s experiences. Many of us have had to endure some type of rejection and can easily recall the incident in our adolescence that “wounded” us.

In treatment, we see so many alcoholics and drug addicts who are rediscovering the wound and are trying to heal from events that occurred many years ago. If you truly want to recover from addiction, you cannot escape dealing with the wound. You can also no longer use the wound as an excuse to use substances. Many times, it was the wound itself that led people to alcohol and drug use as it helped them forget the pain and also feel accepted.

So how do you heal the wound? The first thing is to recognize your powerlessness in the event. In Rachel’s case, she needed to accept that maybe she did nothing wrong, maybe it was something about Pam or her boyfriend. Recognizing “powerlessness” is a tool to let go of things that have happened beyond your control. You may also have to own your part in the event if you did something that could have caused the rejection.

The second thing is to feel the pain of the rejection, even though it may feel strange that you are crying or angry over something that happened so long ago. As you begin to feel the pain, you need to share it with people, preferably trustworthy people, who will support and care for you as you go through this vulnerable time. Through recognizing “powerlessness” one is able to reach out to a power greater than ourselves and let go. In using Rachel as the example, she could share her hurt with her Higher Power and know that He would not want her to carry all this pain around with her.

In having a relationship with a Higher Power, one can begin to accept strengths and weaknesses and forgive both yourself and others. Initially, powerlessness in the situation could be seen as a weakness. In the end, it becomes part of the strength that allows you to heal.